I hate it when

People point something out... and you are all, "no. no way." but in all reality it's true... sigh. I feel so frustrated after this because i feel so stupid. I don't like it. It's more than that. It's just. How is it.... fuck.... Why do we care so much for people, who don't care back in the same way. Naivety can't be the explanation can it? What was it that we saw in that person that made us so infatuated. What made it so that that person can do no wrong. That they can walk all over you again and again. Push you aside for something better.....or maybe, what i call friendship isn't friendship at all. Maybe i'm the blind one. I'm the doormat... I'm the stupid boy who stays up late just to wait for a phone call, only to get hung up on because of another call on another line. From someone more important. Why is it that I will drop everything I am doing at the moment for these selected people..... why do i expect something in return... i feel like a bad person to do so. Damn.

I hate it that you are right Ethan.

I hate broccoli

So today I went to my truck unloading job. It was okay. The worst part is lumping broccoli because the pallets come with ice on them. So, you first have to dump the ice in the garbage then you have to stack it. It doesn't sound that bad right? Well, I'm working in a forty degree environment, and ice is made of water... which means, you get all wet, then you start to freeze. It's worth it though, but I just really hate broccoli now.

Went and bought a few new lip rings. I also went bowling. I was terrible. We played two games. In the first I bowled a sixty one, but in the second I bowled an eighty four. I did a lot better in the second game, even if in the first four frames I had a score of four..... yes... four. I had a lot on my mind. Oh well.


So I ask myself why I continue to be friends with Justin.... I mean we fight.. a lot. I had a good talk with him though, and he made me feel a lot better. That right there answered my question. When it's serious time, he always knows what to say. I keep repeating the words in my head, over and over. He is right. I don't know why I just don't listen though. It sounds so easy, but at the same time it's one of the most difficult things I'm going to live through. I can do it though, and whenever I don't think i can I know I'll have my friends right there for me, to.... give me some motivation :D.

You know what drama is some bad ass drama. The kind that spans over 300 damn miles. I can't wrap my head around it.

I'm not sure whats up. I'm feeling pretty down. I felt fairly confident this morning. I felt really good, but right now is just the complete opposite.

OH so an alarm went off today at work. I had no idea what it was for, but the whole building was evacuated. The alarm was for an ammonia leak, good news is that it was only drill. The fact that that can happen at a place where I work is pretty scary. We had to go up wind of the building so we wouldn't inhale any of the fumes. I was kind of freaked out. Even if it was just a drill. It's a scary thought.

Argh.. I'm so frustrated.... I suspect gnarles :D

hmm.. i think i'm just going to go and read. I hope that makes me feel better. IF not, I'll find something else to keep me preoccupied.



i feel better :D i was given a smile from the emergency smile broadcasting system :D

sigh

wow... I'm tired of just... stuff... so, I'm not going to let it bother me :D, if you are going to act all stupid, go right ahead :D...


Maybe the sun will shine today
the clouds will blow away


:L

on another note, I'm effing POOR!!!! sigh... i get paid again tomorrow, so I'll be out of debt. I have no idea how I'm going to drive to and from San Diego today. I have to go drop off my brother's laptop to him, and he is at Camp Pendelton:D i think I'm going to make him fill my tank as like.. payment for delivering it :D.. that sounds fair right? I've been hanging out with this guy named Jordan. He is really cool and laid back. He isn't like the rest of the neighbors who are all homophobic. he he, so i shaved yesterday.. yes Ethan my "neck hair" is all gone. I have to shape my side burns though. i want to keep them but right now they are just kinda there. I NEED to go back to LB soon, at least just to visit Natalie, i miss her so much and I Wanna see her before she leaves for Florida. I think I'm just going to go for like, one day just to see her, and then drive back here. Sounds kinda stupid, but this is going to be like, the last time i see her for a very long time so i have have HAVE to go. I lost the ball on my lip ring so now i need to go and buy a new one. Yea, I'll buy it with my invisible money huh.

A long night spent with your most obvious weakness

you are everything I want, cause you are everything I'm not....

I just wanna break you down so badly!

I'm watching music videos at the moment. Oh so i started the 6Th Harry Potter book, yea, i know I'm a nerd but hey, reading is reading. I like to read, and reading is like a sign of intelligence, isn't it? So I want to change how I dress. I don't dress myself very well, and how you dress yourself has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself. If you dress yourself poorly, you come off the others as you don't care about yourself. Yea, I shouldn't care about what others think, but you know what. I need, to respect myself more. I need to just have more self esteem and confidence. I have very little, and you know what I am the one who can fix that. So with some help from Ethan :D it'll all get better. I 'm waiting for college :D Can't wait for that fresh start :D.

I can't figure out how to delete my myspace.. so I'm just going to stop checking it. Thats the easiest solution. I might check it next week for anything important... wait, what I'm I saying. Something important on myspace, yea... right. I HAVE to buy stamps. There are sooo many letters I want to write I just need money.. sigh... which i NEED!!! OK off to take a shower :D love peace and chicken grease yo.

OMGG

Oh my goodness... wtf.. i hate... whats going on right now. I'm very very angry :'( and sad, and scared.. sigh... i need to talk to someone

Severed ties?

so, deleting my myspace may or may not sever some ties with my friends... but its only going to sever what you allow. Myspace is stupid, its a way for people to stay bored. to sit around ALL day talking to people who don't have anything better to do. You sit there and take online surveys, and post blogs to tell people how you are. You sit there and rate your friendships with you "top friends". You sit there in this fake reality, as time is slipping by in the real world. go out and have an adventure. go and spend time with friends.

I may be gone, but only two people call me regularly.... one, calls me just to say, "i'm thinking of you... oh.. and the game" and thats it... so yea you wont be able to leave a comment saying "i miss you"... but whats better, typing it, or allowing me to hear sincerity, something that no amount of knowledge of diction can describe the ability to witness the sincerity in someone's voice. Another advantage to a "just thinking of you call" you get to hear my voice in return.

I sit here all day, on my computer, sad and alone, but there are places to see, and people to meet out there. There are sunrises and sets, there is an ocean, oodles of beaches, and many adventures, just waiting for an explorer to venture unto them. You too have your adventures, even in los Banos, there are so many things there. forgotten treasures, there are a bunch of abandoned placed there. go to them, explore. go on a picnic to the forebay, or dinosaur point. go to the beach. go have fun. stop wasting you time reveling in you misery, in you sadness. fine.. stay in you sick sad little world, let time pass by, miss out on having fun, being happy. complain how certain things are ruining you life. sit there hopeless, and sad. its just another mistake, one day you will realize like myself that there is no point being angry for a mistake someone had done, or a lie told. People make mistakes, that just what they do. Get over it... i'm beginning to, and i want you all to join me here. Yes... you made a mistake, it happens, learn from it... dust yourself off, you'd be surprised how many people will take you back, and still accept you for who you are, even after you hurt them... thats what love is... "if you one day realize you no longer love someone, then you were never really in love to begin with.... were you." People forgive. especially when you admit to your folly.... and even faster will they take you back, if you attempt to learn and grow from it.

i can't afford to sit here on this ... thing all day... i have so much to do.... so much time thats being wasted on useless things. i could be expanding myself as a person, seeing new things, experiencing, growing, learning :D, and getting lost in my imagination :D :D :D....

again
i love to blog.... especially about meaningful things, as oppose to complaints... :D

myspace isn't a place for friends, its a place for war... remember i love you guys, and you don't need my myspace to assure you.

again. i have a new blog.. all it is .. is a blog :D if you want to check it out.. go ahead but you dont have to :D

Starting over

I've deleted my myspace, I'm done with it. The only thing i liked about it was the blogs. One of my friends has one of these and I thought to myself, "Whoa, i like that. I'm getting on." My blogs on myspace were describe as "The last little thing i have of you." So, here is a blog, just like what my friend's says, " A bit of me, for when I'm gone." peace out hommies :D hehe

Love and Kisses from the O.C.