I wish

you were here to keep me warm.. it's cold.. and lonely here :'(

Shooting starts and Tea

what a night:D

Straight

I straightened my hair today, and said good bye to Justin. He said he was going to miss me but I really don't think he is going to. I mean. He is going home with his parents and a whole bunch of his friends, so I really doubt he is going to even have the time to miss me.. really. We'll see. I mean I'm going to miss him to death. I see and hang out with him every day; he is practically my brother. He has Frenchy and Taylor, as well as Janele. Man oh man. I have my mother, father and siblings.. wooooo! I'm really not that excited. That's it. No late night outings, no movies, no parties, nothing. *sigh* Just me.. alone. Not very exciting. I mean, don't get me wrong I miss my parents very much, but I don't have a home anymore. My parent's house isn't mine anymore. I'm a nomad. I wont have a real home until I make one for myself. It's a bit depressing but it's true. There I have no room, I don't know where the cups, cutlery or dishes are. It's not my home. Arlington/Bartlett isn't a foreign land to me. There is a mall full of teenagers I'm never going to see again. Maybe I'll meet someone new, maybe I'll find love, but I'm not keeping my hopes up. Seriously, I can't even gain a relationship here what makes me think I'll gain one when I'm in Tennessee for three weeks. What will I gain in Three weeks. Maybe a friendship, if I'm lucky. I really doubt I'll even find a guy, sad to say, that is what I'm looking for right now. I really like girls, but I'm a slight break; I want to experiment. Something different, new. I really like Gabriel but I've already chopped off my wings for him. I don't even thing he likes me, he isn't gay or bi. I told Patrick that I like Gabriel and he laughed and said, "wow, that is cool.. I don't know how he feels about it,but thats cool!". So yea, I need to chill, take it easy, and appreciate the friendship I have going with him you know.

*Tangent* I love having this blog, because no one I know reads it. I mean I understand it's not private, but knowing I can express my thought completely make me feel good. I can say what I feel. You know.. like that temporary feelings like the "I HATE YOU" 's you have with you best friends or loved ones you love unconditionally.

Anyway..... None the less, I'm still extremely excited to go hang out with Gabriel I haven't seen him in FOREVER. I miss him quite frankly. I'm absolutely OBSESSED! It's slightly unhealthy. People say it's normal but will see.

So, to sum it up. I really dislike Janele, I can't stand Justin when we are all together, and I am sooo desperate for a relationship it's unhealthy.

Why is it.

That I love Justin so much, and so many people say we are going to be friends forever, but, I have a sinking feeling for the worst. I know I shouldn't expect all of my friendships to just end like some of my strongest did, but I still fear it.

I'm so glad I see what is wrong with me.

I'm always going to love Justin. Always.

A whole lot of nothing

is what I am doing right now.. bleh..

YOU SUCK!!!!!!

.... dad.

Circles

So damn. I'm so.. jealous. Why you ask, because she doesn't give a shit about me. I need to realized that. I just can't get over why she would say all if it if she never meant it. Thats what hurts the most. I'm so done with this roller coaster. Seriously. You don't just go around saying what you did, it messes people up. This is life, not a game and I think you need to realized that. I'm single, you know y. Becuase i'm an immature jealous ass. Thats why. I'm a fake and a lie. and thats that. the end.

It's late

and my mind is racing. With thoughts.

Trying

Too hard in some things,
and not trying at all in others.
I'm so stressed.
I don't know what i'm doing anymore. I'm so tried.
Ahhhhh.
I miss all my opportunities. I'm so lost. I'm questioning so much. People tell me not to worry about things. Not to question it. That he does love me.
What if he doesn't, and only likes my company because I flatter him. I hope am I'm wrong, and thinking it makes me feel like a bad friends. He jokes how he doesn't love me and she is a much better friend than I am. I look out for him so much and try so much to take care of him, but it's not my job. I can't keep doing this and keep trying to take care of him. Shit!! I'm so damn frustrated. I'm so damn lonely. I feel so ugly and as if I lack confidence. I feel so weak, fat, ugly, and low. I'm stressed and sick and I'm worrying about stupid social shit when finals are not even a week a way. Ah! I feel like such a bitch. I feel so... unwonted. I don't feel like me. I don't feel as if I belong. I don't feel needed. I feel so unimportant!!! I so sick of everything right now and I just want everything to stop, to fix itself and for everything to be "all right!". To think that is simple naive. Nothing just works out, nothing just fixes itself and nothing don't just one day became alright. I need to suck it up. I need to swallow my pride. I'm doing it now. I'm realizing that I'm not good. I'm a terrible person full of talk, and who can back none of it. Whose love is just not enough for anyone. I'm invisible to some and repulsive to others. That is why I go unnoticed. Love sucks. I want it so bad but it's not going to fix any of our problems. I complain too much. I go unheard. I'm not important to the ones who are important to me. If I point it out, then they all of a sudden love me. I'm sooooo tired of everything I wanna give up. I don't want to go home. I want someone to love me. I want to be loved. I want to be able to love someone and they not care. I want them to appreciate it and embrace it. Not say "get away" or "stop" "I don't want you to love me". I want to love you, so badly. You have no idea. It's ridiculous and do you care? I don't know, and thats my point. I don' t know. You could care, but you don't let me know, or tell me. I love you, and yet you complain who no one loves you. I feel like shit. You make me feel so insignificant. :'(.



Blah

early/late

WOW.. I'm totally obsessed with him and I barely know him. It's so crazy. I, want him so badly. I don't even really know him. I know he is extremely corny, polite, fun, and ... just someone I can't get enough of. I've found that person. Only problem is: I want to have a good conversation with him but every time the opportunity comes.. nothing. Is it possible that maybe we just don't click? I hope not. Then again, I can't make nor force anything that isn't there.

What is love.

No idea.

I hope I find some soon.

Love seems like a pretty good pick-me-up.

As well as a good muse.

Because you know I'll do them

Blahhhhhhh... i love you :D

Another... i dont' know if he likes me, but i really like him.

and you.... can go fuck yourself... and need to understand, I'm not your fuckin doormat the end

Wishful thinking

Ok so i always knew in the back of my mind that he probably doesn't like me. I mean, it's not normal to like members of the same sex. I'm too much of a wishful thinker. I had a dream I was looking for someone last night. I was looking for my own S.O. but couldn't find them. I slept walked a little last night. Meaning my sleep was restless, but I knew that already because i woke up like 7 times plus I was thrashing.

I'm a little sad. Now that Jodaiko-ness is over. I'm not going to see some people as often as usual. Gabe said "bye keith I'll see you..........." and had to think about it and i realized "Oh no, i'm not going to see him tomorrow" Now what... I sound so obsessed but still. It make me a little sad.. a little teary.

I think too much of stuff that hasn't happened and of stuff I wish to happen. I only end up hurt. I need to lower my expectations. I need to just snap out of the thought of dating someone. I'm not one for giving up. So for now, I'm going on a break.. with myself. :'( it makes me sad

Well it's time to take a little of my own advice because I'm tired and things always feel worst when you are tired. Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning

wow

I never knew I could blush on an instant message, but I did.
I'm top class.. hehe.. I'm top class. :D :D man.. he is amazing.

wow what am i going to do when i find out he is straight.. lol damn.. i sure hope he isn't.. and that he likes me

A new day

A new beginning.
Everyday is like being reborn again.
Every waking is like a bran new start.
I love life. I love my friends.

I'm not going to be alone. Ever.
I know sometimes life gets a little lonely,
but thats when I need to keep my chin up.
Thats when I have to slow down.

Life is what happens when you are busy making plans.
I need to enjoy the now.
Love what I have and not what I don't.
Envy is what sparks feelings of sadness.

I am lucky. I truly am.
I love life.
I am alive.
I feel like living.

=[ Bitter sweet

I feel so lonely. I can't wait to see her again. I love her so much. I wish she didn't live so far away. I'm so happy I get to see you. I thought about when I have to say goodbye, and I think I'm going to cry when I say farewell.


I'm so .. lost, alone, and just.. pathetic. I'm so sad. I don't know why, and whats worst is that no one is here that give a shit.

I hate that there is no one here that cares for me. Thats why I want a relationship. So that someone cares for me. The way I care for them. I care for my friends too much and I'm not suppose too. al;dskajf
fuck, i'm so frustrated because i don't like how that sounds. Its so fuckin' lame. why don't people love me, or give a shit, or gave a fuck.

Y don't you care as much as i cared for you.
Y don't you care

I feel so done with love and shit. I only get disappointed and hurt, always.

go away

Damn.. i'm so bored of this place... I'm so bored of this damn place, and of the people... i feel so frustrated, so enclosed, so caged. I want out.

world ending

so i've noticed at night, around mid night or so something really strange happens in this house.... you can hear.. something.. its distant.. but distinct. It sounds like a music box. I've never really noticed it until tonight.. like i've heard something.. but never really listened.. there is a distinct melody and all. Weird thing is.. it doesn't freak me out. its .. just really mysterious

I'm not in the best of moods... i tried to talk to someone..but the convo was too short. We were just getting over the introduction stuff before he had to go.. not his fault he has a life.

Today really is the worst day of my life.. not like.. event wise.. but emotional wise. Today was the most depressed i'd ever been. I couldn't get out of bed. Didn't really eat. I was really sad. I just got over a funeral... my great aunt passed away. Even though i really didnt know her it still tore me up.. here is y

my great grand mother is still alive.. and that was her daughter who died.. just that alone had me heart broken.. no parent should ever have to attend their child's funeral. Second she is a mom.. I watch her children pay their final respects... i watched them make that long walk to the casket... in tears.. and i sat... silently.. against the wall.. and weep while i watched it. All i could think of... was seeing my own mother.. that one day i will have to make that same walk... up to a casket.. and say my final good byes... it still bothers me.. it still makes me cry.. just the sheer thought. We all have an appointment.. death is inevitable... :'(.. one of her children spoke.. and one line.. as soon as it was spoken... i sobbed.... he said.. "thats my mommy.... that is my mommy" man.. i think it was the hardest i had ever cried... i'm shaken up

so this took place yesterday and the day before.. the.. i find out this morning.. that my father's compadre's dad passed away last night.. his mother just died not even two months ago... he all kind of knew he would too.. it always happens... once their spouse dies... they usually follow.. the most poetic organ in the body is the heart.. because you have actually die if it breaks.

so.. this only threw me deeper into the abyss

then.. i find out.. a lot of my family... and friends.. believe i need to be medicated... they all think i'm crazy.. or too depressed that i need to be put on anti-depressants.... which.. made things worst.. and to add on that.. you know i don't want to be.. partly because i am scared.. that the suicide rate for young adults on anti depressants is very high.. let alone the side effects... sexual defects... sigh...

Then.. the cherry on top....

money

my job sucks... i came up short so more than likely i'm going to lose my job .. even though i know i didn't.. and i'm sure it was a mistake.. its still my responsibility.. i came up short just shy of two hundred dollars.. i know how to count change.. i've never been short before.. but yea.. that fuckin sucks.. but whatever... and to add on that.. the small amount i have saved in the bank has been taken from me.. something about some shit fees... so all of it .. yea..its was only six hundred.. which was my book money.. is practically all gone.. now i'm left with a little over one hundred...fuck.. all that damn work.. for nothing.. just to end up where i started...

so.. this has left me feeling... not very happy..

I know.. i should call someone.. but.. i dont' 'want to bother you.. you have your own problems.. and you see.. thats my stupid "depression" talking.. i know you wont mind.. but still.. you are all very busy...

I know you are.. so don't lie

so.. i blog... y.. because i'm a little fuckin whinny bitch.. who likes to complain about life.. and is simply using this blog as a cry for help and pity.. because i confuse to two.. and will take whatever i can get....

fuck... save me....

i'm going crazy... its late.. i have to go to my other job...

i have no idea how i'm going to do it.. i had so much trouble getting out of bed today. I know i can do it though.. this too will pass... it will.. and i will look back on it and laugh at my own naivety.. i've done it before the last time my "world was ending".. i can thank janele and rich for the most recent personal apocalypses... and now.. i sit and laugh.. at how stupid i was... how dumb i was to hold on to it.. and revel in my misery.. and here i go again... so... i need to

take a breath in

let it out now

you can do it tiger

put your chin up

your a man now

Liberation

So i finally cut my hair... and i miss my long hair, but it feels so good. I feel as if I cut all the negative out of my life. All the drama and despair seemed to stay in those curls that are now in some garbage somewhere. The triangle, Him, and anything else that troubled me is gone :D... now its time to worry about more important things ... like paying for college. Maybe I should become a prostitute.. jk.. sigh.. what the hell I'm I going to do.. no idea.. but I'll rough it :D

I hate it when

People point something out... and you are all, "no. no way." but in all reality it's true... sigh. I feel so frustrated after this because i feel so stupid. I don't like it. It's more than that. It's just. How is it.... fuck.... Why do we care so much for people, who don't care back in the same way. Naivety can't be the explanation can it? What was it that we saw in that person that made us so infatuated. What made it so that that person can do no wrong. That they can walk all over you again and again. Push you aside for something better.....or maybe, what i call friendship isn't friendship at all. Maybe i'm the blind one. I'm the doormat... I'm the stupid boy who stays up late just to wait for a phone call, only to get hung up on because of another call on another line. From someone more important. Why is it that I will drop everything I am doing at the moment for these selected people..... why do i expect something in return... i feel like a bad person to do so. Damn.

I hate it that you are right Ethan.

I hate broccoli

So today I went to my truck unloading job. It was okay. The worst part is lumping broccoli because the pallets come with ice on them. So, you first have to dump the ice in the garbage then you have to stack it. It doesn't sound that bad right? Well, I'm working in a forty degree environment, and ice is made of water... which means, you get all wet, then you start to freeze. It's worth it though, but I just really hate broccoli now.

Went and bought a few new lip rings. I also went bowling. I was terrible. We played two games. In the first I bowled a sixty one, but in the second I bowled an eighty four. I did a lot better in the second game, even if in the first four frames I had a score of four..... yes... four. I had a lot on my mind. Oh well.


So I ask myself why I continue to be friends with Justin.... I mean we fight.. a lot. I had a good talk with him though, and he made me feel a lot better. That right there answered my question. When it's serious time, he always knows what to say. I keep repeating the words in my head, over and over. He is right. I don't know why I just don't listen though. It sounds so easy, but at the same time it's one of the most difficult things I'm going to live through. I can do it though, and whenever I don't think i can I know I'll have my friends right there for me, to.... give me some motivation :D.

You know what drama is some bad ass drama. The kind that spans over 300 damn miles. I can't wrap my head around it.

I'm not sure whats up. I'm feeling pretty down. I felt fairly confident this morning. I felt really good, but right now is just the complete opposite.

OH so an alarm went off today at work. I had no idea what it was for, but the whole building was evacuated. The alarm was for an ammonia leak, good news is that it was only drill. The fact that that can happen at a place where I work is pretty scary. We had to go up wind of the building so we wouldn't inhale any of the fumes. I was kind of freaked out. Even if it was just a drill. It's a scary thought.

Argh.. I'm so frustrated.... I suspect gnarles :D

hmm.. i think i'm just going to go and read. I hope that makes me feel better. IF not, I'll find something else to keep me preoccupied.



i feel better :D i was given a smile from the emergency smile broadcasting system :D

sigh

wow... I'm tired of just... stuff... so, I'm not going to let it bother me :D, if you are going to act all stupid, go right ahead :D...


Maybe the sun will shine today
the clouds will blow away


:L

on another note, I'm effing POOR!!!! sigh... i get paid again tomorrow, so I'll be out of debt. I have no idea how I'm going to drive to and from San Diego today. I have to go drop off my brother's laptop to him, and he is at Camp Pendelton:D i think I'm going to make him fill my tank as like.. payment for delivering it :D.. that sounds fair right? I've been hanging out with this guy named Jordan. He is really cool and laid back. He isn't like the rest of the neighbors who are all homophobic. he he, so i shaved yesterday.. yes Ethan my "neck hair" is all gone. I have to shape my side burns though. i want to keep them but right now they are just kinda there. I NEED to go back to LB soon, at least just to visit Natalie, i miss her so much and I Wanna see her before she leaves for Florida. I think I'm just going to go for like, one day just to see her, and then drive back here. Sounds kinda stupid, but this is going to be like, the last time i see her for a very long time so i have have HAVE to go. I lost the ball on my lip ring so now i need to go and buy a new one. Yea, I'll buy it with my invisible money huh.

A long night spent with your most obvious weakness

you are everything I want, cause you are everything I'm not....

I just wanna break you down so badly!

I'm watching music videos at the moment. Oh so i started the 6Th Harry Potter book, yea, i know I'm a nerd but hey, reading is reading. I like to read, and reading is like a sign of intelligence, isn't it? So I want to change how I dress. I don't dress myself very well, and how you dress yourself has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself. If you dress yourself poorly, you come off the others as you don't care about yourself. Yea, I shouldn't care about what others think, but you know what. I need, to respect myself more. I need to just have more self esteem and confidence. I have very little, and you know what I am the one who can fix that. So with some help from Ethan :D it'll all get better. I 'm waiting for college :D Can't wait for that fresh start :D.

I can't figure out how to delete my myspace.. so I'm just going to stop checking it. Thats the easiest solution. I might check it next week for anything important... wait, what I'm I saying. Something important on myspace, yea... right. I HAVE to buy stamps. There are sooo many letters I want to write I just need money.. sigh... which i NEED!!! OK off to take a shower :D love peace and chicken grease yo.

OMGG

Oh my goodness... wtf.. i hate... whats going on right now. I'm very very angry :'( and sad, and scared.. sigh... i need to talk to someone

Severed ties?

so, deleting my myspace may or may not sever some ties with my friends... but its only going to sever what you allow. Myspace is stupid, its a way for people to stay bored. to sit around ALL day talking to people who don't have anything better to do. You sit there and take online surveys, and post blogs to tell people how you are. You sit there and rate your friendships with you "top friends". You sit there in this fake reality, as time is slipping by in the real world. go out and have an adventure. go and spend time with friends.

I may be gone, but only two people call me regularly.... one, calls me just to say, "i'm thinking of you... oh.. and the game" and thats it... so yea you wont be able to leave a comment saying "i miss you"... but whats better, typing it, or allowing me to hear sincerity, something that no amount of knowledge of diction can describe the ability to witness the sincerity in someone's voice. Another advantage to a "just thinking of you call" you get to hear my voice in return.

I sit here all day, on my computer, sad and alone, but there are places to see, and people to meet out there. There are sunrises and sets, there is an ocean, oodles of beaches, and many adventures, just waiting for an explorer to venture unto them. You too have your adventures, even in los Banos, there are so many things there. forgotten treasures, there are a bunch of abandoned placed there. go to them, explore. go on a picnic to the forebay, or dinosaur point. go to the beach. go have fun. stop wasting you time reveling in you misery, in you sadness. fine.. stay in you sick sad little world, let time pass by, miss out on having fun, being happy. complain how certain things are ruining you life. sit there hopeless, and sad. its just another mistake, one day you will realize like myself that there is no point being angry for a mistake someone had done, or a lie told. People make mistakes, that just what they do. Get over it... i'm beginning to, and i want you all to join me here. Yes... you made a mistake, it happens, learn from it... dust yourself off, you'd be surprised how many people will take you back, and still accept you for who you are, even after you hurt them... thats what love is... "if you one day realize you no longer love someone, then you were never really in love to begin with.... were you." People forgive. especially when you admit to your folly.... and even faster will they take you back, if you attempt to learn and grow from it.

i can't afford to sit here on this ... thing all day... i have so much to do.... so much time thats being wasted on useless things. i could be expanding myself as a person, seeing new things, experiencing, growing, learning :D, and getting lost in my imagination :D :D :D....

again
i love to blog.... especially about meaningful things, as oppose to complaints... :D

myspace isn't a place for friends, its a place for war... remember i love you guys, and you don't need my myspace to assure you.

again. i have a new blog.. all it is .. is a blog :D if you want to check it out.. go ahead but you dont have to :D

Starting over

I've deleted my myspace, I'm done with it. The only thing i liked about it was the blogs. One of my friends has one of these and I thought to myself, "Whoa, i like that. I'm getting on." My blogs on myspace were describe as "The last little thing i have of you." So, here is a blog, just like what my friend's says, " A bit of me, for when I'm gone." peace out hommies :D hehe

Love and Kisses from the O.C.