I wish

you were here to keep me warm.. it's cold.. and lonely here :'(

Shooting starts and Tea

what a night:D

Straight

I straightened my hair today, and said good bye to Justin. He said he was going to miss me but I really don't think he is going to. I mean. He is going home with his parents and a whole bunch of his friends, so I really doubt he is going to even have the time to miss me.. really. We'll see. I mean I'm going to miss him to death. I see and hang out with him every day; he is practically my brother. He has Frenchy and Taylor, as well as Janele. Man oh man. I have my mother, father and siblings.. wooooo! I'm really not that excited. That's it. No late night outings, no movies, no parties, nothing. *sigh* Just me.. alone. Not very exciting. I mean, don't get me wrong I miss my parents very much, but I don't have a home anymore. My parent's house isn't mine anymore. I'm a nomad. I wont have a real home until I make one for myself. It's a bit depressing but it's true. There I have no room, I don't know where the cups, cutlery or dishes are. It's not my home. Arlington/Bartlett isn't a foreign land to me. There is a mall full of teenagers I'm never going to see again. Maybe I'll meet someone new, maybe I'll find love, but I'm not keeping my hopes up. Seriously, I can't even gain a relationship here what makes me think I'll gain one when I'm in Tennessee for three weeks. What will I gain in Three weeks. Maybe a friendship, if I'm lucky. I really doubt I'll even find a guy, sad to say, that is what I'm looking for right now. I really like girls, but I'm a slight break; I want to experiment. Something different, new. I really like Gabriel but I've already chopped off my wings for him. I don't even thing he likes me, he isn't gay or bi. I told Patrick that I like Gabriel and he laughed and said, "wow, that is cool.. I don't know how he feels about it,but thats cool!". So yea, I need to chill, take it easy, and appreciate the friendship I have going with him you know.

*Tangent* I love having this blog, because no one I know reads it. I mean I understand it's not private, but knowing I can express my thought completely make me feel good. I can say what I feel. You know.. like that temporary feelings like the "I HATE YOU" 's you have with you best friends or loved ones you love unconditionally.

Anyway..... None the less, I'm still extremely excited to go hang out with Gabriel I haven't seen him in FOREVER. I miss him quite frankly. I'm absolutely OBSESSED! It's slightly unhealthy. People say it's normal but will see.

So, to sum it up. I really dislike Janele, I can't stand Justin when we are all together, and I am sooo desperate for a relationship it's unhealthy.

Why is it.

That I love Justin so much, and so many people say we are going to be friends forever, but, I have a sinking feeling for the worst. I know I shouldn't expect all of my friendships to just end like some of my strongest did, but I still fear it.

I'm so glad I see what is wrong with me.

I'm always going to love Justin. Always.

A whole lot of nothing

is what I am doing right now.. bleh..

YOU SUCK!!!!!!

.... dad.

Circles

So damn. I'm so.. jealous. Why you ask, because she doesn't give a shit about me. I need to realized that. I just can't get over why she would say all if it if she never meant it. Thats what hurts the most. I'm so done with this roller coaster. Seriously. You don't just go around saying what you did, it messes people up. This is life, not a game and I think you need to realized that. I'm single, you know y. Becuase i'm an immature jealous ass. Thats why. I'm a fake and a lie. and thats that. the end.

It's late

and my mind is racing. With thoughts.

Trying

Too hard in some things,
and not trying at all in others.
I'm so stressed.
I don't know what i'm doing anymore. I'm so tried.
Ahhhhh.
I miss all my opportunities. I'm so lost. I'm questioning so much. People tell me not to worry about things. Not to question it. That he does love me.
What if he doesn't, and only likes my company because I flatter him. I hope am I'm wrong, and thinking it makes me feel like a bad friends. He jokes how he doesn't love me and she is a much better friend than I am. I look out for him so much and try so much to take care of him, but it's not my job. I can't keep doing this and keep trying to take care of him. Shit!! I'm so damn frustrated. I'm so damn lonely. I feel so ugly and as if I lack confidence. I feel so weak, fat, ugly, and low. I'm stressed and sick and I'm worrying about stupid social shit when finals are not even a week a way. Ah! I feel like such a bitch. I feel so... unwonted. I don't feel like me. I don't feel as if I belong. I don't feel needed. I feel so unimportant!!! I so sick of everything right now and I just want everything to stop, to fix itself and for everything to be "all right!". To think that is simple naive. Nothing just works out, nothing just fixes itself and nothing don't just one day became alright. I need to suck it up. I need to swallow my pride. I'm doing it now. I'm realizing that I'm not good. I'm a terrible person full of talk, and who can back none of it. Whose love is just not enough for anyone. I'm invisible to some and repulsive to others. That is why I go unnoticed. Love sucks. I want it so bad but it's not going to fix any of our problems. I complain too much. I go unheard. I'm not important to the ones who are important to me. If I point it out, then they all of a sudden love me. I'm sooooo tired of everything I wanna give up. I don't want to go home. I want someone to love me. I want to be loved. I want to be able to love someone and they not care. I want them to appreciate it and embrace it. Not say "get away" or "stop" "I don't want you to love me". I want to love you, so badly. You have no idea. It's ridiculous and do you care? I don't know, and thats my point. I don' t know. You could care, but you don't let me know, or tell me. I love you, and yet you complain who no one loves you. I feel like shit. You make me feel so insignificant. :'(.



Blah