Trying

Too hard in some things,
and not trying at all in others.
I'm so stressed.
I don't know what i'm doing anymore. I'm so tried.
Ahhhhh.
I miss all my opportunities. I'm so lost. I'm questioning so much. People tell me not to worry about things. Not to question it. That he does love me.
What if he doesn't, and only likes my company because I flatter him. I hope am I'm wrong, and thinking it makes me feel like a bad friends. He jokes how he doesn't love me and she is a much better friend than I am. I look out for him so much and try so much to take care of him, but it's not my job. I can't keep doing this and keep trying to take care of him. Shit!! I'm so damn frustrated. I'm so damn lonely. I feel so ugly and as if I lack confidence. I feel so weak, fat, ugly, and low. I'm stressed and sick and I'm worrying about stupid social shit when finals are not even a week a way. Ah! I feel like such a bitch. I feel so... unwonted. I don't feel like me. I don't feel as if I belong. I don't feel needed. I feel so unimportant!!! I so sick of everything right now and I just want everything to stop, to fix itself and for everything to be "all right!". To think that is simple naive. Nothing just works out, nothing just fixes itself and nothing don't just one day became alright. I need to suck it up. I need to swallow my pride. I'm doing it now. I'm realizing that I'm not good. I'm a terrible person full of talk, and who can back none of it. Whose love is just not enough for anyone. I'm invisible to some and repulsive to others. That is why I go unnoticed. Love sucks. I want it so bad but it's not going to fix any of our problems. I complain too much. I go unheard. I'm not important to the ones who are important to me. If I point it out, then they all of a sudden love me. I'm sooooo tired of everything I wanna give up. I don't want to go home. I want someone to love me. I want to be loved. I want to be able to love someone and they not care. I want them to appreciate it and embrace it. Not say "get away" or "stop" "I don't want you to love me". I want to love you, so badly. You have no idea. It's ridiculous and do you care? I don't know, and thats my point. I don' t know. You could care, but you don't let me know, or tell me. I love you, and yet you complain who no one loves you. I feel like shit. You make me feel so insignificant. :'(.



Blah