world ending

so i've noticed at night, around mid night or so something really strange happens in this house.... you can hear.. something.. its distant.. but distinct. It sounds like a music box. I've never really noticed it until tonight.. like i've heard something.. but never really listened.. there is a distinct melody and all. Weird thing is.. it doesn't freak me out. its .. just really mysterious

I'm not in the best of moods... i tried to talk to someone..but the convo was too short. We were just getting over the introduction stuff before he had to go.. not his fault he has a life.

Today really is the worst day of my life.. not like.. event wise.. but emotional wise. Today was the most depressed i'd ever been. I couldn't get out of bed. Didn't really eat. I was really sad. I just got over a funeral... my great aunt passed away. Even though i really didnt know her it still tore me up.. here is y

my great grand mother is still alive.. and that was her daughter who died.. just that alone had me heart broken.. no parent should ever have to attend their child's funeral. Second she is a mom.. I watch her children pay their final respects... i watched them make that long walk to the casket... in tears.. and i sat... silently.. against the wall.. and weep while i watched it. All i could think of... was seeing my own mother.. that one day i will have to make that same walk... up to a casket.. and say my final good byes... it still bothers me.. it still makes me cry.. just the sheer thought. We all have an appointment.. death is inevitable... :'(.. one of her children spoke.. and one line.. as soon as it was spoken... i sobbed.... he said.. "thats my mommy.... that is my mommy" man.. i think it was the hardest i had ever cried... i'm shaken up

so this took place yesterday and the day before.. the.. i find out this morning.. that my father's compadre's dad passed away last night.. his mother just died not even two months ago... he all kind of knew he would too.. it always happens... once their spouse dies... they usually follow.. the most poetic organ in the body is the heart.. because you have actually die if it breaks.

so.. this only threw me deeper into the abyss

then.. i find out.. a lot of my family... and friends.. believe i need to be medicated... they all think i'm crazy.. or too depressed that i need to be put on anti-depressants.... which.. made things worst.. and to add on that.. you know i don't want to be.. partly because i am scared.. that the suicide rate for young adults on anti depressants is very high.. let alone the side effects... sexual defects... sigh...

Then.. the cherry on top....

money

my job sucks... i came up short so more than likely i'm going to lose my job .. even though i know i didn't.. and i'm sure it was a mistake.. its still my responsibility.. i came up short just shy of two hundred dollars.. i know how to count change.. i've never been short before.. but yea.. that fuckin sucks.. but whatever... and to add on that.. the small amount i have saved in the bank has been taken from me.. something about some shit fees... so all of it .. yea..its was only six hundred.. which was my book money.. is practically all gone.. now i'm left with a little over one hundred...fuck.. all that damn work.. for nothing.. just to end up where i started...

so.. this has left me feeling... not very happy..

I know.. i should call someone.. but.. i dont' 'want to bother you.. you have your own problems.. and you see.. thats my stupid "depression" talking.. i know you wont mind.. but still.. you are all very busy...

I know you are.. so don't lie

so.. i blog... y.. because i'm a little fuckin whinny bitch.. who likes to complain about life.. and is simply using this blog as a cry for help and pity.. because i confuse to two.. and will take whatever i can get....

fuck... save me....

i'm going crazy... its late.. i have to go to my other job...

i have no idea how i'm going to do it.. i had so much trouble getting out of bed today. I know i can do it though.. this too will pass... it will.. and i will look back on it and laugh at my own naivety.. i've done it before the last time my "world was ending".. i can thank janele and rich for the most recent personal apocalypses... and now.. i sit and laugh.. at how stupid i was... how dumb i was to hold on to it.. and revel in my misery.. and here i go again... so... i need to

take a breath in

let it out now

you can do it tiger

put your chin up

your a man now